I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
