Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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