Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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