You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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