I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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