Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
