why didn't you poke me back
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
