I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
