I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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