I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
