Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Randomize
