Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
