the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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