just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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