Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
