I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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