she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
