I just gift wrapped bread.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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