I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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