Soap is not a condiment
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
