when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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