On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There's even glitter on my cock...
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