you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
