I skipped work to stalk him.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
