I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
