if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
