mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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