I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am one with the molecules
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
