If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
