I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
