I wanna bring you to show and tell
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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