I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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