This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
