You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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