Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
