just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
