you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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