Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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