am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Who did Billy Mays play for?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
