Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
