I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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