i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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