My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
