in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Come on in and take your pants off
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