sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
