she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
