So drunk its hurt
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
