I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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