I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
