just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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