worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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