i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
