I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
