you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
