You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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