just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
