hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
