i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
