Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
