So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
